I’m bored and I’m on tumblr and I saw this shit. What is this, MySpace bulletins or LiveJournal surveys or something? I feel like I’m in high school again. Does anybody even know what MySpace or LiveJournal even are?
I’m gonna answer all these obnoxious questions about the intimate details of my personal life because why the eff not. Let’s do this, Tumblr.
1. had sex?
Yes. But… why is sex always the first thing you want to ask me about? Don’t you want to get to know me a little bit more first? I mean, I don’t even know your name.
2. bought condoms?
I should hope that anybody who answers “yes” to the first questions answers this one with “yes” too. Unless you’re really confident in your birth control pills I suppose. By the way buying condoms isn’t even like, a big deal, so I dunno why this is a question. Let me tell you that the person at the counter doesn’t give a shit that you’re buying condoms, ok?
3. gotten pregnant?
Being a male, this is biologically impossible.
4. failed a class?
Oh yes, dude. Not many people go to college without failing (or at least dropping out before failing) at least one class. In my experience anyway. I don’t really hang around overachieving straight-A types.
5. kissed a boy?
Yeah. It was ok. He asked very nicely if he could, so like, why not?
6. kissed a girl?
Plenty. It was awesome once I actually learned how to kiss properly.
7. had a job?
I’ve worked at 3 different pizza restaurants. I’ve probably eaten more pizza than you ever have.
8. left the house without my wallet?
Only in situations where I really don’t need it and feel like if I brought it I’d get pick-pocketed.
9. bullied someone on the internet?
Unfortunately, and quite regret it.
I’ve dabbled in some sexting. It’s not really my thing though.
11. had sex in public?
12. smoked weed?
13. smoked cigarettes?
Nope, and happy about it. I have many friends who are addicted to cigarettes and I’m just like, “yep, I have no idea what a cigarette craving feels like.”
14. smoked a cigar?
Nah but I so would if you handed me one. Cause it’s a cigar and I wanna look sophisticated and shit.
15. drank alcohol?
Conclusion: These things are exclusively made for people who are in high school.
16. been to a wedding?
Yes it was borrrrrring. If I have a wedding it’s gonna be a costume party or some shit.
17. been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
I’m a self-produced musician. Ohhhh yes.
18. watched tv for 5 hours straight?
I’m sure I have but not since I was a kid. I kinda stopped watching TV once I discovered the internet. And bays for pirates.
19. been late for school?
Is there seriously somebody out there who has never once in their life been late for school?
20. kissed in the rain?
Yeah. What I really long for is the spider-man upside down kiss in the rain. By which I mean I want spider-man to be the one kissing me. What?
21. showered with someone else?
I’ll one up you: I’ve smoked weed and then showered with someone else! OOOOOOOOH.
22. been outside my home country?
I went to the tourist-y part of Mexico with my friend and family for a few days. We stayed in a completely Americanized resort but still it was out of the country. Also I’ve crossed the border of Canada while on a canoe trip for like 45 minutes. I peed on Canada.
23. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours?
I’ve ridden in a cramped car loaded with musical instruments and 3 other people on a one-way trip from Nashville, Tennessee to Minneapolis, Minnesota, and then back, without stopping. Twice.
24. had lice?
Nope, pretty glad.
25. gotten my heart broken?
Yeah, but whatever. My heart’s really good right now. Plus, I’ve learned that when someone breaks your heart they aren’t really the type of person you wanna keep around anyway.
26. had a credit card?
I have a debit card. That doesn’t count, does it?
27. been to a professional sports game?
Eww yes don’t remind me, sports are gross and everything is too loud and the crowds are obnoxious.
28. broken a bone?
29. been unhappy about my weight?
Sometimes. I think most everyone gets this feeling at some point, maybe?
30. won a trophy?
Logan Award for Outstanding Achievement in Comedy Music, bitches.
31. cut myself?
Like, intentionally? Or unintentionally? Uhh. Both.
32. been on a diet?
33. rode in a taxi?
Actually… um. Now that I think of it. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a taxi. I’m gonna take a trip to New York in a couple of months though. So that’ll probably change.
34. stayed up for 24 hours or more?
Yes but it never lasted much longer than that.
35. been to a concert?
Concerts are my life. My life!!! For some reason I just got reminded that my girlfriend has seen both surviving Beatles live. I’ve only seen one. Aw maaaan.
36. had a crush on someone of the same sex?
37. had braces?
Yes. They suck.
38. wore make up?
I can rock some guyliner.
39. lost my virginity before I was 16?
Nah, I didn’t really have a sex life at that point because I was more interested in watching cartoons and making internet dork music.
40. kissed someone a different race than myself?
Not… really. I mean… I kissed someone who was like half-Hispanic. So maybe, kinda? I don’t give a shit about what race someone is.
41. Snuck out of the house?
Yeah although my parents kinda stopped giving me a curfew because giving me one at all didn’t really work. Now I live on my own so if I have the munchies at 3 in the morning and I can get my own Taco Bell, dammit.
42. had oral sex?
Yeah. Oh you’re asking me specific sex things now? You’re so nosy.
43. dyed my hair?
Dyed *your* hair? I don’t believe I’ve ever dyed your hair. I dye my hair on a regular basis, though. It’s currently red and green because I AM FESTIVE.
44. met someone famous?
Me, Weird Al, and my girlfriend Julia. She’s the famous person, obviously.
45. been on vacation?
Most recent vacation was Florida!! And it was a fucking blast. Can I just talk about how awesome Universal Studios is? Cause it’s awesome.
46. been on a boat?
Yes and I will not be making any Lonely Island references today.
47. been on an airplane?
Yes and I will not be making any references to the movie “Airplane!” either.
48. prank called someone?
Aw, no. Maybe someday I will cross this off my bucket list. I’m just so intimidated by phones!
49. taken a pregnancy test?
Nah I don’t really need to do that.
50. been suspended from school?
One time I got cafeteria duty for leaving a sheet of paper in a classroom by accident.
I should’ve done something productive with my life instead of that.